till the end of time, the wind blows.

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Wednesday, May 30

Actually many things should have been penned down long ago. Reflections from SYF performance, release of results, preparing for Aristal and finally Aristal itself are all overdue issues that are hounding me for some sort of a record. Afterall, these are almost like once in a lifetime happenings and once past, cannot be relived. But I guess somehow, it's hard to find the right time because I can't seem to tell exactly when's the start and end of things. The past few months seem to link together endlessly in the most remarkable way.

The cold air embraced our anxiety as we stepped into the blackened shadows of the UCC backstage. It was such a big contrast to the feeling we got from the warm love and thunderous support from the audience and that was all that we needed to fuel the rest of the 6 minutes of non-stop energetic performance. The stage wasn't as monstous as it seemed from the past two rehearsals, instead, it was accomodating as it can ever be, once again becoming the platform where we create realities in our dreams. There was no doubt that it was happiness - quite different from the kind of happiness in Nanyang, where it was nothing but pure joy of savouring all that the world had to offer, this happiness was incredibly warm, excitable and comforting. I knew we did it the moment we fell into sulao arms. I knew that my dream came true once again. We were flying without wings. Tears that fell that day celebrate our flight and everything that accumulated towards it. And sure they did flow, without restriction, without holding back. Genuine and true.

But within these two days, we cried both tears of joy and tears of sorrow. The release of the results was a huge blow and disappointment to us as we broke down in uncontrollable sobs and weepings. And as much as I was contented with our enjoyment of the performance, I was deeply hurt by the sight of the dancers breaking down. And we cried not just because of a horrid sense of broken morale but also for the times that had passed away. Images of our sloughing and inexorable pursuit for perfection; images of our laughter and tears; images of exhaustion and will; images of love came gushing into our heads as tears gushed out of our eyes. It was heartaching. We hugged one another in silent gratitude and to give each other a little more courage to stand up once again.

The weeks that followed was tinged with traces of overwhelming emotions which slowly integrated into the preparation for Aristal. It was a mad rush and I admit that this time, I was wobbly in polishing the items. Perhaps it was crushed morale or even fear. I don't know. But some things seem to sear a deeper scar than you can ever imagine. And it leaves you bare and uneasy to do it once again. We all need some form of recovery and sometimes I would think that only a miracle can help me survive through this remaining weeks. But miracles do happen and sometimes I wonder if there's really some sacred force large than life that is blessing us time and again..

SISC Closing Ceremony was a huge surprise. And it made me think whether miracles had saved us or did we create these miracles? Within a day, we displayed relentless fighting spirit that brought us from amateur-ish standard to one that astounded the audience. Come on, it really wasn't easy to accoomodate and adapt to that stage, so we really deserve some credit. Aristal in itself passed in the most confusing sense of time. The day seemed draggingly long yet the night ended as soon as it started. But I'm ever so glad that we ended the concert with our SYF dance because standing onstage once again and performing for every pair of proud supportive eyes in the crowd flooded me with images from SYF day itself. It's amazing how the world seem from the eyes of a dancer on a stage. It's as though everything lay spread before you, waiting to share what you have to offer. And it's even more beautiful watching the performance from behind the curtain as you catch every glimpse of sincerity and sweat of passion to perform and to deliver. And that, to me, is one of the world's wonder. Applause sinks into the floor or get absorbed into the wall, all travelling straight towards the dancers' souls. This is recognition. This is what we're worth.

And everything came to an end just like that.

It wasn't as dramatic as I thought it would be. I didn't even shed that much tears. But I know that deep down inside, something has changed. It feels as if a century has been borned in my body and I've aged significantly over this year. I've seen so much more that experience seems to weave itself on my facial landscape. Without dance anymore this year, I feel a great sense of insecurity and worry. How will it all end?

Perhaps it really is true, that everything happens for a reason. I won't say that I'm that magnanimous and understanding to let go of the fact that we were judged below our expectations but I do learn that earning this GOLD brought our team much closer than before. It reminded us of how much more valuable and priceless our company is as compared to the judges' verdict. Some things need to be highlighted before we can truly appreciate them. It was hard but we made it through quite alright.C:

Thank you to our beloved audience for giving us the reason to perform. Thank you to my dear dancers for a never lonely voyage. Thank you Sulao and Dashu plus all our teachers-in-charge for weaving us a beautiful beautiful dream..

Going back to school these days feels strangely unfamiliar. Same faces, same venues yet different purpose. It's like going back to school without having dance makes the whole place take on a new atmosphere, like the air you breathe doesn't come through so naturally as before. It smells new.

Looking back at the practice venues, something seem to be missing. US. Life dampens and the pace of things become heavily quick in these places - heavy because I'm still partially trapped in these memories and quick because more and more of us have moved on.

As I went around looking at various blogs and friendster profiles, I realised that many things have changed and updated. Photos of recent events replace older ones and newer entries take the forefront over outdated posts. It isn't simply in the case of dancers, but most people around me. It doesn't matter if you're in a performing arts of sports CCA, as long as you know that it means much more than just another co-curricular activity, you are bound to feel something. It hurts doesn't it?Yes, that feeling you got? That's how I'm feeling. And I thought: no matter how we can't bear to part with all these, other things will come along the way to wash us of the pain of leaving these things behind by refocusing our sadness somewhere else. Time bleaches feelings and whatever strong emotions that empowered us, would slowly lose its grip by and by until everything becomes nothing but faded memories of golden moments in our lives.

We're supposed to move on and invariably, we will. So why am I so afraid? Because there seems to be nothing that I can do about it.

I think I will miss you all quite a lot. I really do.

.i.WaNt.tO.fLy.wHeN.i.DaNcE. |11:22:00 PM|

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