till the end of time, the wind blows.

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Friday, February 10

10th February 2006. You could call it Judgement Day for us.

Actually, I woke up this morning refusing to accept the fact that this is the day, that after 4 years of work in Nanyang, today's results were to be witness to our efforts. How will it turn out? It just didn't seem real to me.

And I thought, what is it that I'm aiming at?

Blank.

Then I thought about these times in NJC with this group of very special people. It was then that I realised, I just want enough to keep up with the present situation.

Bidding goodbyes to classmates and friends when school ended today, didn't seem to be such a big thing at that moment. Everyone was just too preoccupied with what's to come. That anxiety, anticipation and agony of receiving that flimsy piece of result slip was growing inside of me.

Back in Nanyang, everything seemed so normal, so in place. It's like we never left, like we were always there till now. Yet when faced with reality, you'll just wonder how can everything just go on like this, so smoothly without us? And it makes it seem like we were never there.

When it was finally time for us to receive our results from Ms Chua, I was trembling. That fear gripped me so hard. All that long long wait mounting and building up to this moment. It's like falling into a bottomless pit. Except, it's not the impact of the fall that kills you, but that feeling of unknown and uncertainty -- not knowing what's at the end, not knowing when you'll hit the cold hard ground.

The whole hall was caught in a frenzy and variety of extreme emotions. While those, emerging victorious in this battle, were elated and screaming with tears of joy, some were sobbing in defeat and disappointment.

Me?

That feeling is so hard to describe. Relief that I can stay on in NJC? I thought I felt tears waiting to fall and yet my eyes were dry. What? What kind of a reaction is this? It's almost as if I didn't just found out my results for the big Os.

Jeopardy -- that's what triggered so many people to break down today.

Upon hearing that some of my NJC pals didn't quite do that well and might not be able to stay on, I teared. I never knew that I was this attached to them until faced with the threat of separation. They were one of the reasons why I wanted to stay in NJC. The mere thought of returning to a class with major changes, or even worse, a different class, frightens me.

Because I've faced too many separations, that I don't want to be lonely anymore.

That feeling of utter helplessness.

Why is it that we all started out towards this goal together and yet ultimately we have to lose sight of people as we approach the finishing line? What is the point of arriving at the finishing line, when you've lost your teammates and there's no one to celebrate with you?

We belong together. --

.i.WaNt.tO.fLy.wHeN.i.DaNcE. |11:28:00 PM|

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Sunday, February 5

I've sunken into depression. This feeling of heaviness is inescapable, slowly absorbing and pulling me straight down. Caught in quicksand. Struggling to free myself.

Attachment.

Commitment.

Passion.

I need to crash into the wall, shatter myself into bits. Dig my nails straight into my arm and bite myself. And maybe just find a shoulder to sob on.

And it's like I just have to weep.

Because when we're all together, we'll safeguard each other from loneliness.

And it feels like you belong there. But actually, it's just that it once belonged to you.

Lost. Empty.

Hollow.

Teardrops falling in the rain. And so no one can tell the tears from the raindrops.

Too exhausted to speak. Just want to shut myself up and shut out this harsh hard world.

Try so hard living in the pretense of happiness. Who will save me from this misery?

Sorry. I just don't want to affect anybody.

.i.WaNt.tO.fLy.wHeN.i.DaNcE. |10:15:00 PM|

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