5 whole days of waiting before it was finally time to go. Repeated flashes of your departure, your miserable goodbyes and precious tears were about to rip me apart. And all this time, I struggled to put on a brave front, reassuring those who were heartbroken about your leave. I woke up that morning and I couldn't believe that it was happening, that I was going to have another chance to see you and to spend time together with you. It was this one precious chance that I've been waiting for, yet when I saw it here in my face, I trembled. I was scared. Because after this, it'll be another hard long wait till our next meeting.
Together in Penang. It felt so unreal, almost dream-like, that we're actually there together. That little supper treat at the coffee house, the easy chat at the hotel room... It seemed too good to be true. It wasn't lavish. It was just simple and plain. Yet that was why it felt so good because it was like the good old times back here. Just a different setting, but everything else remained the same. The joy, the laughter, the craziness and most essentially, you and me.
The shopping trip was all so familiar. Our lunchtime at the foodcourt was exactly the same as before except for the change in the taste of the food. The usual search for little gifts was a refreshing reminder of how we used to do it back here.
I just felt safe to be near you.
As we bade goodbye once again, I don't know whether it was more painful than the previous time, with the harsh reality thrown straight in my face, telling me that I've to return home, without you. Robbed of the priviledge, or should I say habit, of seeing you anytime and calling you up for a senseless nonsensical chat. Or was this separation a milder experience? Stripped of the dramatic falling tears? And now, it seemed such a foolish act to cry. I've done it too many times because of this and it'll only make me weaker. It's as though I might just crumple to ashes one day. The wind will blow. And I'll just get swept away.
It was so hard to turn my back against you. It was so helpless to know that when facing you, all I could do was to wave goodbye. And it was because of your words, that I was determined to walk away from you, not shedding one tear this time. Yet in the depths of my soul, my heart lies there, weeping.
All the way back, those long hours on the bus, I gazed out at the passing vehicles and scenary, thinking. It was then that I broke through the delusion that you aren't that far from all of us, afterall Penang is part of Malaysia and Malaysia is just beside Singapore. Seeing one patch of land pass after another, I couldn't help but think of the vast masses of land that lies between us. I'm so far from you. I really wished I could just stay there. For it was better having us both in a foreign land than letting you face it all alone.
Back here, I plunge myself in work, hoping to keep myself busy enough to stop thinking of what more we could have done together. Numbness is the only thing that can save and protect me from regret. And like I've said, regret is the worst feeling one can ever experience. Because there's no turning back.
I'm in fact, alone without you. Because no one knows me like you do. As 2006 approaches, and 2005 becomes a fraction of our memory, I'm desperately trying to savour each and every moment, hoping that perhaps, when we're reunited once again, I can tell you each and every detail. And so it'll be as though you were here with us all along.
We miss you girl. And I know you want to slap me for this entry and for pretending I was alright. But rest assured that even if I'm down at this point, I'll carry on and when you return, you'll see me smiling and inviting you home, with open arms.